♥Trotting the Globe, One City at a Time♥

A List of Beach No-No's: Crimes Against Spring Break

Mar 29, '08 12:05 AM
for everyone

After hitting the beach last weekend, I noticed a trend … a beach no-no trend. I saw tons of men committing crimes against nature, by being walking fashion disasters!

Here’s a list of DON’Ts that I would advise people to avoid AT ALL COST.

Shorts Length – For men, the beach is either a really good place to show off a body that they worked hard on, or a really bad place to show that, well, that they hardly moved muscles in their everyday lives. This might be a subjective call, but I’m really not all that into the “Speedo” look, and also, beach/swim shorts that are too short. So what if they’re designed to make you swim faster or whatnot? Nobody really wants to see knobby knees in the beach. Try wearing surfer apparel --- the shorts that cover up the knees, and still looks good, even when wet.

Monster toes – It’s a good sign that they didn’t wear socks-and-sandals, but it’s even worse when they just wear sandals or flipflops to sport monster toenails! Most men don’t have nice toes, so, taking a page from the girl handbook, might I suggest getting a pedicure at least every other week. By taking a pedicure, not only to you avoid the dangers of in-grown nails (caused by self-cutting toenails), your feet will also look marginally better. As a side note, monster toes might also involve the type of footwear you decide to throw on. Again, this might be a subjective call, but Crocs on the beach? (Or anywhere, really) Most men look for functionality in their wardrobe, and really, if you’re going to spend 90% of the time in the water anyway, why bother wearing hideous footwear? A nice pair of sandals or flip flops are fine.

Shirts while swimming – What’s up with this? Men don’t really need to wear shirts while in the water, well, unless they want to make tan lines? Though if they’re insecure about their bodies, and simply must wear shirts, just avoid wearing white ones --- think: wet t-shirt contest. A wet white shirt is pretty much useless for hiding something, and only makes things worse. As an addition to this, yes, everyone’s aware that your “Federal Babes Inspector” (FBI) shirt was clever … a decade ago? 1998? They’re simply lowbrow, and only guys find them funny.

Body hair – Keep it to a minimum, will ya? Back hair? No, … no, … no. It’s just weird! Chest hair? Some prefer hairy chests, while other people (me!) don’t. Keep it mid length and it’ll all be ok no matter what.

Now here are a couple of tips to make your trip to the beach even better: if you’re not comfy about your body, you might look into doing a couple of push-ups, or hitting the gym. A nice body is universally appealing, and you’re not doing it for the lookers, you’re doing it for you. If you’ve got shortcomings, treat them as strengths: tall and lanky? A good posture’s gonna fix that. Overweight? Focus on eye contact when speaking to people, to move their eyes from your flab to your beautiful face.

Remember, when you look good, you feel good, and when you feel good, it just seems like you attract the world’s happiness with that positive mind state.